Kisame: Kyuubi Kapturer
by Kaori
Summary: The Misspelling is intentional and this is a short crack fic. Kisame makes like Steve Irwin with Itachi as his cameraman. Challenge: Part 2 with Deidara and Sasori trying to catch Gaara.


I'm sorry but after I saw a picture of Kisame dressed up like the Crocodile Hunter (it was a chibi doodle) I _had_ to get this out of my system.

A/N: Misspelling of Capturer is intentional. Don't you just love alliteration? Also, Kisame will be talking like Steve Irwin. I apologize to anyone from Australia or New Zealand who might be reading.

Kisame: Kyuubi Kapturer  
By Kaori

Typical jungle-y music plays as we fade-in to Kisame, with one foot on a rock and hefting Samehada on his shoulder.

"G'day mates," grinned Kisame, showing rows of sharp, pointy teeth. "Welcome to KKK."

"Kisame, you can't use that abbreviation." Said Itachi, off –camera.

"Eh? Why not, mate?"

"Because it's already used for a group of paranoid racists who have nothing better to do than harass decent human beings." As an afterthought Itachi added. "And stop calling me "mate", you'll attract yaoi fangirls."

"Roit. Sorry. Er, anyway, on today's show, we're going to show you 'ow to properly catch the kyuubi jinchuuriki, also known as Loudus Idioticus Maximus and Uzumaki Naruto. Now, to draw out 'im out, we need bait." Kisame reached behind a tree and pulled out a very annoyed Haruno Sakura.

"What the hell!" screamed the kunoichi as she struggled in the ropes. "What's the idea of tying me up and sticking me to that tree?"

"Crikey she's loud…" mumbled Kisame, rubbing his ears (does he have ears? I mean he must because otherwise he couldn't hear what people are saying but I've never seen them.). "This 'ere, is an Uchihasis Annoyingus Fangirlious, commonly known as Sakura. Notice the pink plumage and the shrill, grating voice."

"Kisame, why have you brought my foolish little brother's stalker here?" asked Itachi.

"Glad you asked, my friend! It is a well known fact that the kyuubi jinchuuriki is attracted to this creature and would do anything to rescue 'er. 'e will come running and be easily overpowered by us!"

"Brilliant plan, Kisame except for one thing."

"Wossat?"

"Ninjas can untie ropes."

"Eh?"

"SHANNARO!" Sakura's chakra-powered fist comes sailing right into Kisame's face and he's knocked into a nearby pond.

"Ouch…" Kisame rubbed the spot where Sakura had hit him. There's a low rumbling noise behind him and he turns around to see a large, crocodile leering at him and batting its eyes. "Er…sorry, but I just don't feel that way about you."

Itachi cuts the camera off before things get really ridiculous. When he turns it back on again, Kisame has dried off and neither Sakura nor the crocodile are anywhere to be seen.

"Aw roit, just a minor setback. Fortunately, a good 'unter is always prepared and so I have a Plan B." he reached off camera and took out the Hokage's hat.

"Where did you get that?" groaned Itachi.

"Ebay."

In Konoha, Tsunade was checking her office for more things she could sell to cover her gambling debt.

"Why the Hokage's hat, though?" the eldest Uchiha had to ask.

"Ah, The kyuubi vessel is obsessed with being Hokage. Once he gets wind that I have the 'at, he'll come runnin' 'ere!"

"That might work except for one thing…" said Itachi.

"Wossat?" Kisame looked around to see Konohamaru. "What the…"

"Oiroke no Jutsu!"

"Gah!"

The camera suddenly falls to the ground and the picture goes black. Once it's back on Kisame has tissues stuffed up his nose and is glaring.

"Damn kids… who taught 'im _that_? I'm pretty sure a brat that young shouldn't know about…_that_. Especially in such vivid detail…"

"Kisame, you're wasting film."

"Ah, roit. Sorry. Ahem. Seeing as Plan B didn't work, we'll move to Plan C." He whipped out a bowl of ramen.

"When did you get that?"

"Um…a wizard did it?" hedged Kisame. "But never mind about that for now. As everyone knows, the kyuubi jinchuriki is a ramen freak. And 'ere I have a bowl of piping 'ot, Ichiraku ramen. Watch. 'e will come and then…"

Suddenly, there was a flash of orange and a triumphant cry of "RAMEN!"

"#&&$$#$ MY HAND!"

"Hang on Kisame, I'll freeze it so we can get it reattached."

Sasuke, bored expression on his face, pops up. "Remember everyone, never get between Naruto and his ramen." His eyes turn to Sharingan and he runs off-camera. "ITACHI! COME BACK HERE SO I CAN KILL YOU!"

Fade out.


End file.
